I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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