Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
