You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
