Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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