She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
