i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
