Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
