i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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