Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
