please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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