Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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