john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
