cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
