hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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