My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
