I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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