Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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