I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
