I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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