It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
