I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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