are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She announced her abortion via fbk
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
