Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
