and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Are we still banned from the library?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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