Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize