im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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