That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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