I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
