You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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