i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
