Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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