I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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