I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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