hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
