the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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