Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i love accidental penises.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
