I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
