Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize