I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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