I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
