i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
