I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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