Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
