Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
