I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
