i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Pants are for mortals
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
