why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
