I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
