Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize