I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize