I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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