And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
