Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
third nipple confirmed
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
