When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
