she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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