i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
