Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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