Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
