I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
