I want to have your abortion
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
