we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
