just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
