Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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