oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
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