God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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