he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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